Specifically Lonely

This is probably going to sound weird. But I guess that's never stopped me before from sharing things... so here it goes.

I really love my life.

I do.

I have been abundantly blessed: with a great husband who is also my best friend and we have a ton of fun together. We have a lot in common but there are also some differences and those differences serve to counterbalance and we keep each other at a good equilibrium. We have a really good marriage and I am so thankful for the understanding and harmony that exists between us.

I also have two amazing babies who are rapidly turning into actual little children. It's amazing! Audrey and Luke fill our home and our lives with so much joy and laughter (as well as the occasional tantrum). They are so much fun (even with the occasional tantrum).

The four of us have so much fun together. We have a happy home and we are all healthy and things are awesome. Most days I am thankful to the point of being overwhelmed at my good fortune. I am one lucky girl.



There are other days, though, when instead of being thankful for what I do have, I wish for something more. On these days I feel lonely. And not just lonely because I'm alone (because I'm not, I have my babies and friends and family around). On these days I feel lonely for someone in particular.

I feel specifically lonely. I feel lonely for my sister, Megan. Specifically.

It's like there is a Megan shaped hole in my life on these days. An emptiness that only she can fill. And the only remedy is to call her and talk and vent and gossip and laugh and cry together for a few minutes - to help blur the edges of the Megan shaped hole so the pain of the specifically lonely feeling can dull.

And then I can return to the happy-to-be-me feeling that is typical of my life.

I am the youngest of eight and while I do have moments when I miss, and am lonely for, my other siblings, there are just more moments that I miss Megan. See, she is the seventh of eight, so she's the one who is the closest in age to me. She is the one who I had to share a room with for the first 15 years of my life. She is the one who I fought with the most. She is the one who I laughed with the most. She is the one who I cried with the most. She is the one who I grew up with. She is the one who I shared secrets with. And she is still the one who I turn to to laugh and cry and grow and share secrets.

I was recently going through some old pictures and I found I few that are indicative of our closeness. I love this one!

As I grew up, anytime we took family pictures, my parents would always have us line up from oldest to youngest and then as we each grew older (some of us grew taller than our older siblings) they started to include the line up from tallest to shortest. This picture was taken back in the day when oldest to youngest was the same as tallest to shortest. I just love how I am leaning my head on Megan's shoulder here:

I hope Megan feels ok about me sharing this photo since it was taken soon after an unfortunate incident with a pair of scissors - which my dad had to even out - hence the boyish haircut. She looks cute in it though.

I love the hand holding pictures! What I'd like to know is if we were just naturally hold hands of our own free will and choice or if our parents told us to for the picture! Whatever the reason, it's cute.


Being sisters so close in age and sharing a room, made for more than our fair share of fighting and drama during our childhood... much of it instigated and exasperated by me, I admit. I do know that when Megan left for college and then later for her mission, I became aware of just how much I missed her, how much I depended on her. This was one of those oldest to youngest line ups and when I joined the line I just couldn't sit in her spot. (Megan was on her mission at the time.) My parents told me to scoot over, to sit next to my brother, Dwight. But I said that it was Megan's spot, so I put my arm around the empty air to signify that she belonged there.

Then later, I was so glad to be able to go to Italy to pick her up. We look cute in Venice, don't you think?

Megan has been there for so many of the big, meaningful moments in my life. She came when Audrey was a little over a month old.

She surprised me by showing up when Lucas was only a couple of weeks old.

She has been there for so many other times in between, and I've tried to be there for her too. This was taken at the beginning of this month when I went to California for Megan's son, Ben's, sealing and both of her boys' blessings. It was an awesome trip. Except when we wanted to take a couple of updated "sister pictures" and our boys weren't havin' it. The minute we went out into the backyard, Luke and Ben made a beeline for the French doors and cried because they wanted to be part of the picture too.



So we had to settle for a sister picture with our cute boys. Which was good too.

I am glad we are so close. I am glad that we come to each other and depend on each other. I am glad that we can celebrate each other's joys and mourn each other's sorrows. Because that's what sisters do. That's what best friends do. And since I have a sister who doubles as my best friend, it works out really well.