The End of an Era

Six and a half years ago I started working at New Haven - a Residential Treatment Center for adolescent girls. I didn't know it then but my life was about to change. I worked as a staff on the Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday evening shift for almost a year before becoming the Supervisor of that same shift for the next two and a half years. Then I worked as the Lead Supervisor of the Roosevelt house for a little over a year before having Audrey and going on maternity leave. I had anticipated that I would be returning to work after my three months - but not having a consistent someone to watch Audrey and finding out that motherhood really is a full time job made it apparent that going back to work wasn't going to be as easy as I had thought. But the idea of not working at New Haven anymore was much too hard to accept, so I worked as an on call staff for awhile - but that, too, proved to be less than desirable. It was hard to work it out with Adam's schedule and I really just missed my little girl! But I still really didn't want to leave! So I was really excited when I heard that there was a position that I could fill that would allow me to continue to work for New Haven but one that I could do from home. And that position has been a really great thing in my life. It was great to be able to be a stay at home mom for Audrey, but to also stay connected to the place and people I love so much and that had come to be such an important part of my life.

Unless you have worked in a similar place (and LOVED it, by the way) you probably can't relate. I truly felt like I was making a difference in the lives of the people I served - and that made a difference in MY life. I felt like I was a part of something much greater than myself - and I felt like I was pretty good at it (most days). I learned a lot about myself in the last six and a half years. And as big and important an education as New Haven was for me, being a mom the past two years has been even more life-changing! And the last three months - with the addition of Luke - has made it clear that I am in a different position in my life and there's not that much time right now for the New Haven part of my life - so it was with much thought and deliberation that I have chosen to give up New Haven. For now. Maybe some day in the future I'll be able to return. We'll see what happens... but for now a very significant era has come to an end.

I love all of the incredible girls that I got to work with. Working with teenage girls is challenging but also the most rewarding. The courage it takes to face your challenges and make necessary changes to forge a more healthy future is pretty incredible to witness and to be a part of. I feel very blessed that I got to be a part of it for so long! I met some of the most amazing, talented, beautiful, courageous, strong, intelligent and inspiring people of my life at New Haven.

And I'm not just talking about the girls and their families. Some of my most cherished friendships are with the staff that I was so privileged to work with at New Haven.









Some of my favorite memories were made with these people and I am so thankful for each of them! Their love and wisdom and support have made such a difference in my life!

And if it weren't for two other indescribably amazing people, I wouldn't be able to let go of New Haven now.





But it turns out that these two cuties need me right now... and let's be honest: I need them too! And I'm so grateful to have the sacred opportunity to raise them and be their mom. I am indeed very blessed!

My Handsome Boy

This is Lucas. Or Luke. Remember him?



It's been awhile since I've posted any pictures of him. He's grown quite a bit in the last month. In this picture he's in his "Sunday Best" for his blessing last Sunday. He's so handsome!

And pleasant too. He smiles easier than any other infant I've ever seen. He has such a sweet disposition and I feel very lucky to be his mom.



The blessing was really nice. I love the reverence with which Adam approaches blessings and other ordinances. He is a great man and a wonderful example - I'm so glad that Audrey and Luke will always have him to look to. He's a great dad. It was also really nice to see some family that live close enough to make it - we see them occasionally but not really frequently, so it was great to spend some time with a few siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews, and cousins. And we were able to talk one of them into taking a quick family picture to remember the day:



It was such a wonderful day!

One of my favorite things about the day was watching Audrey play with her cousins. She doesn't have many playmates besides mom and dad, so whenever we have visitors she gets really excited and just has a ton of fun playing. At one point I was feeding Luke and I could hear her playing with two of her cousins, McKayla and Talea, in the other room. The sweetest sound in the world has to be the laughter of little children. I couldn't help but smile and laugh quietly to myself at all of their unabashed joy. Here they are smiling for the camera:



And here's sweet Talea giving Audrey a kiss on the cheek... and Audrey letting her...



They are so precious together!

The First

... but it definitely won't be the last... unless Audrey grows up to be one of those slightly awkward hippy ladies with hair down to her ankles... which I don't think she will. She may grow up to be cool with a hip, bohemian flair - but she will never be one of those awkward hippies. I hope.

Tonight, after her bath, I decided that I should give Audrey her first hair cut. It was really just a trim off the ends, but still. Being a first time mom - I am experiencing all of the firsts with Audrey. And this was her very first hair cut of any kind. And it felt kind of monumental. So I thought I'd share it with you.

The before:



And the after:





There's really not too much of a difference - I only trimmed off about an inch in the back so the hair growing on the top of her head can catch up to the hair closer to her neck. There aren't as many thin wispy pieces now.

All of a sudden I am feeling a little sad about those wispy pieces - my baby's growing up.

Confusing Communication and a New Obsession

Since having Audrey, almost 2 years ago, I have learned a lot. A whole lot. I mean, A WHOLE FREAKING LOT. Before I got pregnant, and during the whole nine months of carrying her, I worried that I would be clueless. I worried that I wouldn't know what to do, or how to take care of her; I worried that - not that I'd be a terrible mom - but that I would be clueless and, therefore, just not a very good mom.

Then I had her.

And I found out that so much of motherhood feels very instinctual and natural to me. When your love for your child combines with basic common sense, there aren't too many hurdles that are insurmountable.

One of the current hurdles we are facing has to do with our communication skills. Adam and I do pretty well. It's with Audrey that there is some confusion. Namely, toddler speak. It's the language toddlers speak right before they can actually speak English (or their native tongue, whatever that may be - in our house it's definitely English). You know you've heard this language before - if you haven't been around very many young kids you hear this language and you think, "What interesting sounds that kid can make" until that kid's parent responds with "No, we're not going to go the park until after lunch." And you wonder how that parent got that the kid wanted to go to a park when all you heard were funny sounds, none of which even remotely sounded like park. I remember thinking those same things with my nieces and nephews - and I remember being worried that I wouldn't understand my own children. But surprisingly, I do pretty well. Audrey is repeating everything we say these days and her vocabulary is expanding at a tremendous rate. And I've turned into one of those moms that is able to have a conversation in two languages: English and toddler speak. I'm bilingual. Go figure!

Well, lately there's been a little confusion. See, Audrey calls me Mama or Mommy (depending on her emotional state). Then there's Adam's mom who we refer to as "Grammy" - in toddler speak this sounds more like Mimi. My mom is grandma which sounds like MAma with the emphasis on the first Ma instead of the second. So, sometimes it's difficult to decipher who she is talking about - is it MaMA, Mimi, Mommy or MAma? You see how that might get tangled? Now, there's another "person" that Audrey wants to see a lot of and in toddler speak it sounds like "Mermy". Any guesses as to who this might be?



I won't leave you hanging....



When Audrey says "Mermy" she wants to see... The Little Mermaid.

And this is the smile I get when she "asks" to see her and I am able to successfully translate:



She is officially obsessed with The Little Mermaid. She loves the part when Ursula is taking Ariel's voice and Ariel has to sing. Loves the singing part. She has the first few notes down and sings with it. She also really likes "Part of your World". And she loves dancing around during "Under the Sea". But she really just likes all of it. The whole thing. It was pretty cute. After seeing it for the third time today, I can safely say that I may be getting sick of it. I try running interference with other activities, but it doesn't last long before Audrey is insisting on "Mermy.... Mermy.... Mermy... Mermy.. MERMY, MERMY, MERMY!


MOMMY, MERMY!


And then, inevitably it seems, I fold. And I put it on (again). And then she does this:



...and frankly, with a smile like that and such a charming personality to go with it, I don't think I should be held accountable for my actions. I challenge anyone to respond differently.

The kid just has a way... hopefully I can develop my own "way" before she's a teenager, otherwise we're in trouble!

It's a Mystery

I don't think you can tell from the pictures, but my son's eye color is strange. I can't tell what color they will be and it's driving me crazy! In pictures they seem pretty dark in color - like they'll develop to be brown. But in person they are a mystery. I have spent countless hours looking at them trying to figure out what color they are going to be. Since Adam has big, beautiful brown eyes I kind of took it for granted that all of our kids would probably end up with his color eyes. And judging by Audrey's incomparably beautiful eyes, I am ok with that! Aren't they simply stunning?!



And holy eye lashes!



I was always not-so-secretly covetous of Adam's long, long, thick, black lashes. Why does it always seem like the most beautiful lashes are on men - and they don't even care! I'm glad my girl inherited her father's lashes! Unfortunately, Luke inherited mine - but that's ok because he won't care!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Anyone who knows me knows that I love books. I love to read! And while I would prefer it if the book is well-written and engaging - I'm not really that picky about what I read. There is no one genre of books that I prefer over the rest, though I tend to be drawn to stories that are more realistic - every once in a while I can enjoy a book that has elements that are fantastical or fictitious. I used to be a very avid reader. Growing up, I remember anytime there was a break of any sort - summer, Christmas, Spring Break, a three day weekend, etc. - I would fill all of my free time reading. I still love to read, but it's sometimes hard to find the time... but when I do find the time, reading is still my number one choice for leisure activities.

My husband, Adam, can attest to that. He dreads it when I start a good book - because it feels like his wife has been kidnapped. Adam has had a hard time understanding my love of reading - like many people, the only time he chooses to read is for some sort of assignment. Reading for fun is an oxy moron.

Until now.

See, a few months ago we watched a movie together and Adam really enjoyed it. And since I had read the book that the movie was based on, I was able to fill in some of the pieces of the book that the movie had left out. This movie really made an impression on him - and the parts that I had told him about that were missing or hadn't been explained well enough intrigued him. He kept asking questions, wanting more details so I told him to read the book. That did not appeal to him. He just wanted me to tell him everything that happened in the book, so I suggested that we read the book together. So we did - every night after we put Audrey to bed, he would read a chapter of scripture and then I would read a chapter from the novel. I think we were both surprised at how much this quiet time spent reading together meant to us. We both started to look forward to it. And we had fortune on our side because that one book was just the first in a series of four novels. A few nights ago we finished the last book in the series. I've loved sharing my love of reading with him. And it's been fun to watch him enjoying the stories and looking forward to what's going to happen next.

It's made me excited for the day when Audrey is old enough to read actual novels. For now, we are deeply entrenched in Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein - which is great fun! Audrey loves books! She loves being read to - over and over and over and over and over again! She also loves just "reading" them herself.







I will often find her sitting with an open book on her lap, flipping the pages, looking at pictures - and with how many times she's heard the stories, I bet it's not hard for her to remember which part goes with which picture. She's a smart kid.





She's also a too-cute-for-her-own-good kid!

PS - anyone read anything good lately?

New Roles

Since Lucas came into the world three weeks ago, we all have added at least one new role to each of our lives - I'm a mom of two, Adam is a dad of two, and Audrey is a big sister. We are all adjusting and trying to get used to what these new roles mean to us individually and also what they mean to our family as a whole. I am loving having Lucas in our lives. He is such a good baby. He is nursing well, he is sleeping well, he is pooping and peeing well - all the things a newborn should be doing, he's doing. Except maybe he's sleeping longer and not crying as much... and you will not hear me complain about either! I feel very blessed.

Of all of us, adjusting to our new roles, he is probably handling everything with the most grace. Maybe the secret lies in how much sleep he gets...






Or maybe the secret is that his dreams are so pleasant...



I wish I knew what was going through his mind. I wish I knew what he thought of everything in this new world. He has been such a wonderful addition. It's already hard to remember what life was like before him!

In the weeks and months before his birth, the thing that I was the most nervous or anxious about was how Audrey would handle having a new little baby in the house. I knew that she wasn't really understanding me when I would tell her that the big bump on mommy's belly was actually her growing brother. I knew it would be a big adjustment for everyone, but especially for her because she really didn't understand to be able to prepare herself for the adjustment. I was worried about her. Would she feel displaced? Would she feel jealous? Would she be excited? Would she want to play with him? Would she love him instantly? I knew it would likely be a mixture of all of these at different times. But the thing that I worried about the most was what I would do about it. How would I help her deal with all of these emotions (and the ones I didn't anticipate) and make her feel just as loved as always? How could I help her understand that this new little addition didn't subtract at all from my love for her?

I haven't found any definitive answers. I'm still working on it. Some days Audrey is really easy going and eager to play and be read to and she wants to interact with Lucas. She seems confident and is ok when I am holding or nursing Lucas. On others, she's a little more clingy with me - she seems to feel a little insecure about our relationship. For instance, if I need to nurse Lucas, she wants to be cuddled right next to me too, or she throws a fit because she wants me to put him down and hold her. Like I said, I'm still working on it. I try to make a conscious effort to make sure that when Lucas is sleeping I am getting some good quality Audrey-Mom time so that when I need to take care of Lucas, Audrey will be more likely to feel ok and not get jealous or insecure.

One thing I am happy for is that Audrey really does seem to love Lucas already. Whenever she sees him she whispers "Baby" and points to him and smiles. A few days after we got home from the hospital, I was nursing him and Audrey was sitting next to me. She kept patting her lap and looking at the baby, so I asked her if she wanted to hold him. She smiled really big, so after I finished feeding him, I set his bum in her lap while still supporting his torso and head. And she loved it!





I am really excited to see how their relationship develops as they both get older. It'll be fun to watch, as Lucas grows and develops, and see them actually start to play together and interact. I'm thinking that Audrey will be a wonderful big sister.



What do you think?